Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
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Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
who wants to go expliring
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me