It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
You Might Also Like
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans