Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
You Might Also Like
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”