7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
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Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I need better friends
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.