if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
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WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.