Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
You Might Also Like
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
6: are snakes just neck?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
uh oh
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
#KarenAndTheCat 😉