The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
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Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Facebook Twitter
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.