Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
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The pasta is now
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
can you read it!!??
maan!
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin