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Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
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I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.