Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
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nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
This dude got his own movie?
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Swedish for common sense.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.