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Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
best review i’ve ever seen
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
love pickles so much i put myself in one
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan