My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
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him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Not even remotely sorry.