When you have to marry your mother-in-law
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She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.