Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
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Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Sign at work today
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.