The three genders
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Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous