Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
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I camp so other people don’t have to.
The Sun
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.