In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
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Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.