Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
You Might Also Like
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.