My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
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If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
and now we wait
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Did…did a minotaur write this
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?