Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
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Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.