If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
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I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]