My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
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transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I’m good, thanks.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”