Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
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Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.