i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
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TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?