When my kids ask me anything before coffee
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Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
#NoRestForTheWicked
🙁
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard