Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
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You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”