We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
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*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
The Birdles
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken