Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
You Might Also Like
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU