me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
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Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.