You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
lmao
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard