Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
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My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
What the dentist sees
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.