Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
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Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.