No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
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My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
For those that worship cheese..
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”