If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
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ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.