*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
You Might Also Like
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I falcon love using swear birds
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.