The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
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My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme