any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
You Might Also Like
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Terribly Tuesday.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.