[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
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So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”