Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
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Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
You are what you delete.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!