I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
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Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.