You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
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WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
OKAY DAD
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.