[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
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How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season