We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
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Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans