Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
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Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…