Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
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I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.