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March 16
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.