What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
You Might Also Like
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Okay, I’m still confused…
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.