Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
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Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
British websites use biscuits.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them