Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
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My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot