Not all heroes wear capes…
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Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Aaaa…CHOO!
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!